dreama lil' dream

A man with a dream will not be denied

2007-04-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

there are no shortages of surprises in this year,
firstly, i got into my internship program in dragages singapore, although it seemed like my dreams were one step closer in the world of construction.

Like all dreams from afar , the castle in the clouds was nothing but a haven for the travellers with the golden tan. Its a french company, the top management headed by zee french, french this , french that.. that irreverant drawl, a cross between a southern cowboy accent with someone who has a fly caught in his throat.

nah, they ain't that bad, its just that the king, queen and prince has been laid by lineage, queue up if u ain't french.

that was the first bust up, i didn't want to stay bitter

i moved on asking myself if the hours are worth it, my efforts moving hills from mountains
it ain't as the mitigator is vested with limited powers, we are but the yellow skin kinsmen.
for now we lay low, hear us in time, for the roar of a million dragons will shake the earth and devour the sky.

next, i read rich dad, poor dad.
immediately, i felt really stupid.
stupid for never have read the book all my life when it was just collecting dust in a corner of the drawers.

destiny knocks at yr door when you least expect it, coz even when it does knock,
wld you open to uncertainty or close that door leaving yr silent fears to fester on yr remaining years.

i chose to break the door
out come a window , a garage, a pool

snab snab

2006-12-07T10:11:00.000-08:00

snab snab wishes to post a disclaimer : it's really up to u if u think the postings are made up of half truths, truths or pure insinuating lies. snab snab takes no responsibilty for the eventual outcome of yr interpretations.

may it be girl,girls,girls trying to be boys,boys,boy, boy alr a girl. the world is really twitching its nose in every direction with accordance to the winds of change. alarming trends aside, i think its impt to be able to poke fun at one another all the time :) but remember that there are some places even the indomitable snab snab won't go. never joke about parents unless its meant to be complimentary , never tease about yr best dude/pal sexual orientation, your arse is as likely as a target as any others. (gasp all you want, his hom"o"ing missile never misses :P.) try not to belittle or make someone feel really bad. What lowlife u may be if that's all yr brain can conjure up .picking on the weak is like robin hood in a red thong ( it just ain't right)

for some reason i wake up at 8 everyday, perhaps hossan leong is really the life of any morning party. no one loves to ramble more than he does and what a riot he runs with his semi automatic vocals ( fully automatic more apt ya?)

it has been a gd week, met the select few whom i wished to embrace. yes, even the elusive enigma herself. a rubik's cube with six faces.

china in 4,3,2,1

:)

the morning breaks to an early dawn

2006-12-05T10:45:00.000-08:00

and we go sha la la la.. why is happiness short-lived.
i think the answer is pretty simple. the appreciation comes with its flicker of existence.
the rules of economics played out in front of us, when something is in huge demand without accompanying equivalent supply- the price takes a hike, i know that all who peruse must be wondering why did i have to bring out this over engaged cliche. once again, the answer is simple, some things require no complex formulas nor unphantomable maxims to derive the instrinsic truth. you want it, you have to fight for it.

across all stratas of lifeform, organisms, food chains , hierachy. that is always a leader and his/ her many followers. the boundaries are drawn clear with respect to the estate each component of this tightly knit community holds. to wield such power is to be responsible for the underlings. to ensure that their meals are complementary towards their continual survival as without subjects, a king is as good as the common man. his powers bestowed upon the wishes of the masses who believe in his omnipotence to create humanly impossible miracles. its the accumulation of a million hopes that maketh a great man, hero creation, and subsequently deity enshrinement. these ideologies come complete with an almost inborn factor of god given charisma. its like birthright to be ruler, royalty does not chooses its path, its chooses you. if u are a man destined for ultimate glorification. nothing stands in yr path than the challenges mere mortals shun away from. to climb great heights, yr fears are just a figment of imagination. hypobolic abstraction of yr innermost darkest secrets. they manifest upon yr insecurities and reduce yr ego to miniscule morning dew awashed in a crimson sea of sun rays. humans are vulnerabe, victors climb above that transient phase seeking greatness unbeheld.

choose not to be last and watch the first go by. you are good as any first, first step before others, if the fall is placed before u even before the step. i guess u will circle in ignominy for eternity. always seeking , never finding. don't say if, vicotrs bet against the if, we contemplate the ifs.

my headache is killing me... softly n silently

never an ever

2006-12-04T20:19:00.000-08:00

" why does it hurt so bad, why do i feel so sad.." yes the physical trauma endured from the marathon makes me cringe with every step after crossing the finishing line. Wouldn't it be great for all the pain n fatigue to just go "poof" now that's a good finisher's reward.

recently i broached the subject of getting to know someone better via the phone and was rejected flatly. i consulted a bevy of aunt agonies and the results came to nought. the funny thing is that i feel bad too. its only a friend, perhaps the early signs of a crush, but definitely a friend. this i hypothesize as i wld never like someone unless i knew the person personally. there are exceptions, like gwyneth paltrow and uma thurman. regarding these two, please show yrself through my front door as it has been left open far too long inviting unexpected guests.

whats' the meaning behind getting together through unplanned processes where our common interests brings us together to interact and commingle. Its like if i don't see a shooting star today, i have got no reason to step out of my house coz the stars ain't aligned. its hard for me to prescribe to such notions and even harder so as i had never encountered someone like that. IT GOT ME DUMBFOUNDED.

Its just a girl afterall, not entirely worthy of my undevoted attention whatsoever. this reminds me of the "fan jian" complex that many men suffer from. the more they can't reach, the more they want to get. its chasing the distant dream, the idealistic triumph over the fire breathing dragon with the one swing of the excalibur. its the trojan horse that seems perfectly innocuous that brings the downfall of a guarded state. its me trying to win you over, never ever.

its just a friend.

next up, i kinda like the idea of the cup cake bubble inflating in our very shores. they are exorbitantly priced and justifiably so with the intricate details paid to ensure that they look like ones that got sifted out of a victorian tea party. very pretty and immaculately thought of (baked of rather?)

for all fellow foodies , please check out this website aptly titled CCUP. the website takes an idiot to fumble up. the accompanying musical score with its appealing graphics wld find good company amongst the largely female shopping crowd. (lace and flowers and PINK~) they give a brief history and descriptions of the cup cakes. all the above weren't important except that the site sirens with gay vibes. so u know yr cup cakes come with extra TLC ;)
here goes : http://www.c-cup.biz/

this is courtesy of grace aka shopping queen whom is actually sleeping queen

my next musing for the day is about happy feet, i WANT TO WATCH THIS SHOW LA, CAN U SENSE MY FRUSTRATION FROM THE SUBTLE TONE OF MY VOICE> I KNOW ITS DAMN CUTE N I WANT TO WATCH IT CAN> BUT NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH IT WITH ME> I AM SUCH A LOSER.

that actually feels better, all that for a penguin :) better than for a woman :) :)

i decided to steer clear of woman trouble as times like this requires a calm mind. sobriety is acheived thru rigorous meditation and abstinence from the pleasures of the world. OMMMMMMMMM

i am only blogging as i am feeling grouchy. its an outlet :)

later

coming to an end...

2006-11-29T08:28:00.000-08:00

hi to all who peruse these stately affairs, i'll be here but never nearer. my mind is a trap door that shuts on unsuspecting notions of pristine purity. i am the fresh chalk that screeches the first warnings of impending doom. i am the the man who wants to be loved and love. so tell me, why is that all so difficult.

rather than be nice, i wish u to be cut throat, rather than a friend, i rather u banish me forever, rather than say maybe, i rather u say never, rather than hope, please drown me in sorrow.

its hard not to be a pessimist when it comes to the L word.

laughter was never the best medicine but the best concealer of wounds gone sour from raw, hurt mangled soul drained cold. i am not even making sense now.

i have the right to

i am hurt.

one third to go

2006-11-27T10:22:00.000-08:00

its always the elusive girl that causes yr senses to go haywire. major reroute in yr plans to focus as it seems that nothing squeezes past the narrowest canals of the mind other than the gondola of love. venetian romantics aside, its what i don't get that kills me. my latest fave word comes aptly : eviscerate. I wish i do not always have crushes on all the wrong ppl (e.g. ppl who are taken, kooky and self centred) why can't heaven bestow upon me a person with a decent sense of humour and lotsa of TLc for me. as macho as i may be , my inner soul runs clockwork a la the new 007, craig daniels. You can have whatever that is left of me, whatever is left, that is not torn apart ... and so i vaguely remember. Its really worth more than a watch, the newest bond is the unheralded champion of lost causes in the world of espionage. it portrays an extremely realistic view of a man sloughing it out for her majesty despite the power she wields these days is nothing more than making tea time a grand affair.
migraine.... my head is like a ticking time bomb every time i anticipate a sms. i cringe, cower and cover myself in sheets of deceit that someday love will land softly and gently on my palm like a dove from heaven.

got to go now

for now

whatever is left of me... reminds me of great expectations... this is my heart, can u feel it, it is damaged. something along the lines, my memory works better than a toad with a chip implanted... still croaky :)

commitment

2006-11-18T10:54:00.000-08:00

girl a girl b girl c

humans , not mere digits on my equation of unsuccessful dating and unrequited love stories.
I think i am an issue with commitment and loneliness.
i can;t cope with either , the bipolar ends of my frigid resolution towards independence and solidarity.
I crave for companionship and yet i relish the company of legions. to not rely on one and dangle on many. what am i? some cheap ride or scavenging mite that hops on to the bus towards the next city of bright lights. It ain't exactly aurora borealis out the window painting the mind scapes of my future me. its the grim reality of my failure to be one with myself. To stand tall and stand firm with every decision i make. to make things worth doing done. to climb the k2 and not fall .

Its watergate minus the floods, its ain't the prestidge , it's even not abt the money.

Its just some sweet ol' loving, I just need someone to shower love on me. Undying, selfless, unconditional love.

and so i barfed at the prospects of such optimism

a summary for each day

2006-11-01T10:20:00.000-08:00

to be really honest, i have watching this thriller spookfest, supernatural.
every single episode breaks down the skepticism we face every single day.
in times of despair whereby rhyme or logic is not the norm. even science seems absurdly ineffective.

what do we turn to? where do we draw strength from? how do make things right?

answers we don't know, questions that left unanswered

today i ran 90mins, today i ate a great deal, today i done no work

today i feel half alive

the cool silence before the sweltering storm

2006-10-31T09:10:00.000-08:00

well, we all like to have efficient partners. people who do things fast and do them right.
It doesn't mean they have to iron press every single piece of paper to crisp perfection. It's the urgency and motivation to synergise with the rest. Be the ballistic factor in propelling the bullet of progress rather than the retarding idiot that shoots himself in the face.

My friends call me SNAB. i like the sound of it, the connotations that imbibe the very word, a mixture between grouchy "SNAP" and over the top "SNAG". I am never the one to embrace conventions. Hence, this suits me mighty fine :)

(u wanna know what snab means, stay tuned to locate clues about the core characteristic of one)

I am happily acquainted to some mighty fine young lads in my tour in civille. Without these few, i don't who else to torture with my incessant barrage of bull and shit. U need ppl like that in yr life, if they can't change theirs, i am sure they can change yrs. like a beacon of light, they are the unsung heroes that metamorphosize yr innate talents ( hidden so deep u need a space probe to dig out). such are the blessed, lotus bloom in their footsteps.

today has yet another fruitless day in terms of work production. my woeful week will come about in full circle by this friday whereby i hope things will turn out fine under the watchful eyes of the blessed. I hope all who reads this post can get enlightened eventually... more like never since u are reading this now.. perhaps there is hope.. if u look hard enough.. i mean squint.. that pinhole of light expanding to a full scale apocalyptical mayhem coming to suck u dry of yr existence.. SNAB SNAB

hash the pipeline

2005-12-20T10:03:00.001-08:00

sometimes u wake up feeling u haven't slept a single wink, u sleep for hours at one go . yet , not a zap of fatigue has been scrapped off the shoulders. u start to scratch yr head, is there something wrong with me. is there a problem in my head? the answer belongs to you alone.

i grit my teeth every night for fear of a inauspicious tmr. i wonder what news may come in such gloomy times. if terrorist alone were not enough, there are nature's dish to rid earth's scum in the beautiful palate of tsunamis, earthquakes and hurricanes. i grit m teeth over results, my exam results. i told myself if this sem is gonna be another disaster, i will wrap things up n pack up to head for greener pastures. i.e. find a job and stop being a financial leech. Alas, buddhas favour the eleventh hr disciple, even i have hope. and i shall experience shinto buddhism this coming thurs.. a friend is bringing me there, a nice girl with a nice rack to boot ( what am i worshipping...) so the night of solace that i have seek for so long is right before my eyes.

silence and peace reigns for now....

there are many worries for the average human, but its separating the worries that give u an headache. an easy characterisation of different worries , from the most impt to the least. or the most significant to the least. whatever spreads yr butter. gives u the impending headache.
while u settle what is most dear to u , u fret about the looming worry with the greatest importance. does life ever give a break? death is all but a sweet surrender to the gallows of sorry fate.

cry not, fear not, be not.

the headache is still here and i still fear..
( time goes by so slowly)

ai...

2005-09-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

best of everything.. unattainable.. one over riding purpose over the rest. sanity spread on a thinly veiled oncoming panic attack. now for some mundane revellings...

finally met up with me sis, been a long while, wonder why i've been so lost.
its ppl whom u dun need to keep up with appearances or civiliies that are true buddies. plain stuff can be interesting, exciting stuff similarly could be nullified into numbness with the wrong crowd. thanks to her for being such a darling. guess i could never be too far for too long.

school's been a hurricane, i dun even knew what hit me, 6 weeks to exams, ass getting plain lazy. perhaps its time to shove the dust off my shoulder and stop feigning ignorance. what i dun see won;t hit, what dun bite dun hurt, what i dun hear doesn't affect me. i'm not wearing a cloak of invincibility( for the folks who watch-crash). sober up, goon of gongs... clang....

perhaps a meeting next week between last sem pals, realised tt i din meet more ppl other than them over a period of three sems. anti socialist? nah... frequency all jumbled up by falsification of goodwill.

basically spending a lot of time with one girl, ONE. my world a hers. why is everything so intricately fragile. a tight knit community becomes even more entangled. a web of fatality it becomes if i thread the wrong lines. otherwise, a time of my life. time never stood still in her presence. it passes in a blink, a flash, a moment before a knockout punch( eternity zips and zig zags before yr eyes). then there's the past, a haunting memory of unparalled comparison in the statistics of romance in captivity. a caged beast released, untamed and alluring- yet another forbidden fruit.

not exactly in love with life, better with than not i guess. hope my perspective doesn;t strangle me with karmic intents.. bondages ( so my mum says)

feel like jumping off( safely, soundly)

dug right into my pillows, stifling but comfortable where its all so quiet.

breather

2005-06-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

my dear friends,

to be acquainted is already sorta a good thing going.

how much are u willing to hold on, hang on, or perhaps u might wanna contemplate to step out of yr circle of bliss to encompass other people. are u willing to put aside time for bland boring activities with not so cool friends who simultaneously could be the most sincere ppl you might have eva known. how much are u worth to others and others to u. do u think when u decide or are they alternatives to an otherwise lifeless day?

my friends, every single one of u are.

can't be bothered with those who ain't

do apologies make up for lost time

or a rush in the eleventh hr to patch up potholes of the heart.

i wanna say, all of u are precious to me.

do i show it or pretend to do so, in time we will know coz there's nothing warner than sincerity

:)

middle of the month

2005-06-15T05:24:00.000-07:00

perhaps a tag board would keep the strands of distance intact.

'life is so fragile' quotes my mum.

nothin can refute this rhetoric about life. one instant you be alive and kicking, next.. would u wanna know what happens next?

REbirth.. every other moment enables another chance to live life in a different way. a new beginning, a fresh start.

Do we deserve it?

life is sacred, fortunate sods like ourselves who have a say in something, who could have made a different( differences) in other ppl's life ( i think ours are alr pretty messed up).. so...could have make a difference to our own lives. BUT WE DON"T. we still remain as the centre of our lives, the focus lies on no one but our incessant needs that mutates into a wiggly maggot that strives on our blood of desires.

we desire nobody than our own ourselves,a dying breed permutates a growing race. seething evil, demonic clones. drones that do the bidding of a world gone rotten. we eat than feed.

salvation on our lips, a putrid, pungent stench whirling a noose on the deliverance of taste, tugging a asphyxiating remorse, surging in (what force!) blurry...bulging red eyes, tuning off into a horizon of deceit. hereby, receive,,,,emancipation of a feeling long lost. HOPE in d e a t h.

must we experience pain to know what's good for our selves. must we lose all before learning to treasure all. the odds , there shouldn't even be odds. nothing can be equivalent to the chips that trade life.

priceless.. u n me.. priceless

religion is takin a step closer to me or rather. it has always been so. just nother ignorant mortal soul who been in the dark for far too long.

absence in cahoots with a distant past

2005-06-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

yes, i am a civil engineer now. (hope i get the degree at least)
yes, i am appreciative to be studying than burning my hands on occult rituals.(which is actually worse?)
yes, i ve been keeping my friends in the dark about recent developments.( guilty as charged, rohan, unleash yr fury!!!!!)
yes, life is simple and i make it difficult.( kudos to myself n no one else)

yes yes yes yes.. yes sir no mdm... no no no no no

pointing the gun to yr head is easy ( care to pull the trigger for me?)

life is at its crossroads. it seems to be destined that we arrive at this junction once every big issue comes crashing on u like a pop up internet ad. u think u can stop them all, they just lay in wait.... before they pounce... basically, i think problems are just waiting to make a jack in the box entrance. vulnerable souls dread its oncoming presence, brave souls whitewashed with ignorance think that they can handle it. DOe a DeeR.. o i am such a simpleton waiting for it to pass me by... deafeat-ist cowdrice ridden DUh uuuUUHHH me.

i give myself a chance. one last chance to outrace the rabbit in my shell burdened race. the tortoise hides because he's always deprived of the opportunities that laid in front of it. he could only collect social graces along the way. cowering under the magnificent glamour of polished glimmering ambition. its not his choice, his fate long decided before his creation as a tortoise. once he thought, i would remove my shell and evolve. the mockery n jibbing at the instant he took it off made him swore off the idea for good. does he eva get a chance to rise above all odds. defy public opinion and take flight? flying tortoise..... Are u the rabbit or the tortoise?

i shall try to take it off, i need yr support my dear friends.

work been keeping me busy. being busy is good. i feared the dull monotonous humdrum pace that plagued me before i started work. i was monopolising on a boardgame, windsurfing and tryin to tie up loose ends without hanging myself.

she once told me:" too much time could be too little time."

i can't agree more
discipline, paid a heavy price to learn that lesson

so far away...
even if i could only hook it withmy pinkie
i shall try..

blog blog blog

2005-05-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

exams can really zap away yr energy. every single ounce of it. suddenly, what resides in it is pure resounding echo of emptiness. i have been thinking anout a girl whom i am indebted to. this girl whom i 'd never be able to undo the wrong that i did before. this is not a tribute but a plea, a plea for times that were much more pleasant than before. where i need not live with the constant dilemma to be riddled with pleasantries or just be myself. easier said than done.

are u yrself?

judge me by thy heart for my looks will frame u up for a crime that u never thought u would 've commited.

beating fiercely...

could we be as before...

why does it have to end this way

2005-04-21T19:27:00.000-07:00

perhaps the decision would have been made eons ago, the basic elements of human survival thrives on neccessity. Our dreams maketh the face of a clockwork milking time from the cogwheels-teeth that insidiously eschew minerals of life, no money, no honey.

why is it so that people tend to gravitate towards materialism? its efficacy lies in the desire to pursue a better life or maintain the statue quo. being in comfort. how much does it take to settle in our comfort zone? would it change ? does it eva change? how would it change us? questions that manifests more questions like a inquisitive child stumbling on his first book of did-u- knows?

standard of living was a concept that i learnt when i was in JC doing economics. it explores the different facets that determine what makes it all worthwhile. things that makes dollar n 'sense' may not be sufficient to be the panacea, the pill of joy, that liquidates our world's woes or provide a clear depiction of things in modern society. Nevertheless, a stepping stone in trying to tackle the issues stated above.

why does it has to end this way

2005-04-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

dear ms misdemeanor,
we all know that a degree seems like the long windy road that all academically inclined square heads pursue in hope of justifying a possibly successful career and life in the future. we all know that this is the fastest route to put our parents' mind at ease by taking the right path. we also know that they have our best interests at heart and in lieu of prevailing circumstances, this could very well be the best option they can offer us for now. To provide us the comfort of being free from nagging issues that bother their otherwise mundane life from being problems of ours.
thank you thank you thank you.

i shall dispense with the formalities and put forth my predilection for the coward's way out- WHINE. more often that not, i feel that i am engaging in topics which i could never make much sense or generate interest towards. dry and deprived of taste, originality and variation. constrained to parameters designated by forefathers of science and resolved mystery. ENgiNeEring- as interesting as i can type the fonts. Without rules, we definitely would not have progressed so far as where we are today , even the country says so, "LOok at out economy being boosted by semi-con, biomed,R&D industries..kept buoyant.. stays afloat despite the stormy climate that has devastated our sand logged neighbours during the economic crisis. rejoice in technological marvel and advancement!" Sad to say, manufacturing still remains as the grande dame of our economic growth( largest number of jobs held by a single industry). This means its very difficult to put engineers in the red. Even if u do not stick yr hands in dirt and soot, other departments welcome u for yr expertise in yr specialised field (its hard for an engineer to be hungry- job though not aplenty, sufficient to thicken the engineer waistline)

but i so HATE the things i am studying especially when i had the chance to tinker the musical keys of Arts and Social Science, how i breathe and swim the currents of everchanging seismic shifts in ideology, language and creativity. there are really no limits how far yr mind can wander. a trip to the stars from the books that twist , unlock and rip you free from the mental fence of logic. how i wish i could hide in the books i read, revel in the things that i won't mind spending hours and hours on( really dread peering from formula to formula, fact to fact, debugging to problem solving-important to the world , perfect for the needed geeks)

time to get back to work, a three day mayhem awaits me, how i shall plaster a grin at the end of each exam, kowing that i won't be able to recall or use the things i studied almost as soon as i lift my ass off the chair and participate in the great flurry, once again, once again...

convicted of disatisfaction( and i am so sure that i am not the only one)

vindicated( its not that i dun want to put in effort, effort eludes me)

repentence( i would i would, someday, shock me , electrocute me and i would)

back and grey( white is prefect, spotless and clean)

change of perspective ( hope not calamity strikes before i sober up and strive, my fingers crossed, clutching my fingers, chewing them off like tablets of prozac comfort)

new skins

2005-04-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

its has been brought to my attention that my blog is plain, ugly and extremely boring like the frisky static u see on a TV screen( besides the choice of dull hues and tones). i applaud my friends who invest a great deal of time and effort in beautifying their e-diaries. it almost seem like a movie set, rolling scrolls at the bottom in infinite loops(subtitles), songs that jar out once the page load( fit for a soundtrack) and the entries set against a backdrop of animation, soothing visuals and captivating icons (actions!lights!cameras!).

exams are troublesome issues to tackle. it takes forever to prepare, but mere moments to endure. it almost seems that u did nothing before thereafter. its a matter of how well u can vomit rather than apply what u learn. our brains become mini- thumbdrives which store crucial info from any random source before offloading it( regurgitate and puke) on our exam scripts which questions me on the authenticity of exams. memory test? what's the point if u cannot remember nor recall the slightest bit of info in years to come. it seems that their practicality cease to exist in the modern world save for the fact that u might want to be a hard drive(p.h.d getter- a massive storage of incredibly useless or could be useful do-u-knows in single mind)
for peasants such as myself, i am contented to know what makes human tick-not that i know now or eva will.

for now, dreadful injection of info awaits me so i shall deaden my spirit and numb my senses. time to pick up the books again. :)

its been so long

2005-04-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

what makes words flow?

what does it matter to anyone in the first place?

is it true that exam stress actually stems the creative flux in us? if one end is choked blocked, teeming with fastidious agents of information desperately reaching out of yr mind's grasp. (see what loonies we become after mugging ??) and because u desperately want to do well, u tell these hobbits bumming along to stop their movement : resistance is futile!

now for daily news, i seldom feel infuriated, i seldom dwell further than dismissing scanty remarks at will. someone managed to top them all, hail Ms Chan a.k.a bitch com tutor slash incompetent. there's a module all poor sods in yr 1 engineering has to take ; brush up their interpersonal skills, impress or at least try to do so during presentations- aptly titled effective communication. here's a pointer on fist clenching, when u make a fist , u can't hold anything in yr hands, when u open yr palm, the world is in yr hands. (fighter in the wind-lifestory of the founder of some hardcore karate clan) when u clench, u are devoid of life, merciless in pursuit to the peak. at all cost, at all cost.

Usually, warmin my ass on any random chair scattered in the nondescript classrooms is a routine despite my vehemence in being anything part of a constructive classroom environment. i am a radical, so i assume myself to be, non-conformist, bent on demolishing conventional ideals and provoking social stigmas.

nevertheless, the following piece of disclosure instigates my intention to tuck my fingers, binding it to flesh and skin, forming a mallet of pure destruction. "do u expect me to believe that u wrote all this??" i felt this sudden silent urge to explode into a million piercing shards. maiming her, a derelict life dependent on other lives thereafter. free will snatched. self imposed lurch on a payroll of debilitating debts.( oh she probably deserves better..... u think so?)

This tutor had the cheek to make me sit thru hrs of boring lifeless banter derived from slides we cld have read on our own. seriously, what the hell are u trying to prove? that readin from the slides, making minimal eye contact with yr audience is the way of winning presentations and it oozes the icing that cheese the deals we procure in future?? i mean its bloody nonsense we get judged by some old time -been there-done nothing-old fag whom only influence in life is to mark scripts and works that are way beyond her comprehension (sec sch wld have been yr field) she made the above mentioned remark on my TV review. makes me wanna puke- i would like to see her write- haven seen her do so- insignificant speck of cosmic glitter.

actually i lost all inspiration to write of late. one reason- i am at peace with myself. more so than eva or its just tt i chose one dominating reason over all nagging doubts from proliferating their pessism, tinkering the twigs of my sanity and making me wallow in sobs of misery.

i chosen life.

its beautiful.

life that creates life.

its possibilities that keep us going

fear that stops us in our tracks.

to hell with fear

heaven in here, my heart, my heart.

its finally clear.

hmmm...i need to write

2005-03-11T10:44:00.000-08:00

i realised i can write.. or so i think i can write.. its more like i can mislead others into believing that i can write. whateva it is, since i am not infringed by any any legal entity. i think i've the right to blabber and probably blackmail good natured souls along the way. and so the chronicles begin.. i like to credit my latest inspiration, a/p neil murphy for this wordy repertoire.
he quoted the fact that postmodernist writers held on to this dogma that all great beliefs and original ideas have ceased to regenerate in its entirety. That means we are all lying cheats!(a bit aggressive here) well, what i really mean is that we being the couch hoggers, brain deficient, fast talking (does thinking come before speech or the other way around when speed is the determinant.. before i start drawling on the grand theories of blank slate-nurture vs nature-speech facilitating thought-the easy choice to be an ass rather than keeping up with appearances... haha already rambling.. :) ) have been reduced to mere caveman. we haven't come up with a single mind blowing, earth shattering, groundbreaking discovery in ages . no wonder people always say we are living in the past. when i was young, i was pretty perplexed on the aspect of living in the past.

me: mommy, how do we live in the past
mommy: u don't
me: but i heard my teacher say so. something abt regretting something u cld done something abt to change something
mommy: don't try to outsmart me boy, i know kung fu! take this and that.. heeeee YA!
me: i was just kidding( like kids eva said that)

time to sleep its 311 am on a sat morning... got tuition,it fair, and a bird to sing along too. ok. that's all for now. bye

time to settle down

2005-01-11T01:27:00.000-08:00

classes are set, new faces found, timetables seemingly a mess, friends to count on.

laughter bash e fears unnoticed,jokes aside, reality one big fat question mark.

one bottle down, dreams flushed out,meetings adjourned, brand new doubt.

prayers aloud,drowning droughts, fleecing hope,feeding bouts.

face off, bummer. i need not more drowsy promises. bring me back to where i come from.

i say : " yes u may, return what u found, return what frightens you, return the dull mirror where u see yr all too pretty self"

look at u, look at myself. have i seen u somewhere before? i really don't know, really don't know what i use to know anymore.

fly e fastest planes n make e biggest movies!

2005-01-08T01:33:00.000-08:00

watched a movie that gave me the inspiration to blog.

big things.big goals.big ambitions.

how many can actually reconcile such big factors with the delicate framework of relationships.
how many can be successful in both love n career.
how many can be flawless in their judgement and continue to believe in their dreams no matter how staggering the cost is.

hmmm.. will stop bloggin for a while. timeto think things thru yet again :)

late again

2005-01-05T17:22:00.000-08:00

punctuality is a virtue but i don't practice. scribbling down the importance of it draw chills down my spine. i mean i try albeit it lacks fountains of attitude. i do try. what's most interesting is that i met someone with the exactly same problem as me. indirectly, when 2 person have the same problem .. do they even meet at all? hardly, coz the typical situation always lie in the fact that one will be late n the other will be early. the one who's early gets pissed at the one who's late and the finger pointing goes on forever depending who is the one with more superstar apperances than the other. its a problem so frustrating even pulling yr hair out won't solve a thing.tolerance has its limits. when will i hit mine. unlikely! unless i choose to be the early bird which is something i practiced in the past until i hapen to accumulate enough latecoming frens to convince me that the former suggestion is not applicable in the face of looming angst. be late, flash a smile n hope u get away everytime, it starts with a compliment on the outfit, a " i can't believe u lost so much weight" "its only been a while since i last saw u n u are lookin so fine" "what's that ? a new crop to dazzle n frazzle the dates out there?" humans are weak creatures who fall prey to such meaningless comments. the sense of insecurity forces us to take it all in. word by word, lies for truth. be strong n ppl say u are skeptical. cynicism being the new cause of cancer and all.. to all those pretentious ppl out there, u are doin a good job in making others happy but when it backfires ( u meet a bloke like me... u can start counting the days u have left.. ;)

hmmm
enough rampant bitchin for the day.hurray.. feel betta now..actually.. eva considered the feelings of ppl who are always early
a. suckers
b.be like them( a bigger sucker?)
c.be a hermit( neva meet anyone since everything can be home delivered to yr doorstep)
d.be yrself( the average human tends to be late once in a while depending on how impt their dates are to them.. haha .. time to reflect upo oneself)

ain't no sunshine

2005-01-05T01:00:00.000-08:00

enough of emotional blabber, i'm sick of it myself, makes me wanna puke. can't believe i wrote so much about something so pointless and meaningless. Like a butterfly shedding its cocoon, determined to leave the past as it is, a distant memory awashed on the shores of wilful regret.

today, after a very good slumber session with me n me alone.. u only have yrself to depend on mostly.. learn.. n grow up the hard way.. yes, there's no one out there! wakey wakey rise n shine~ we always choose to learn things the hard way, pure stupidity steering our skewed judgment in hope of glorious happy moments to flood our vapid lives... suddenly i feel this surge of anger spiralling sporadically round n round me.. wonder what's the source of it all~~helplessness :(

i shall close the chapter as it is. done.

i hope bouldermania would be a success. in life, we are measured by our successess, since my love life is a failure, hopefully, other aspects in my life would be a roaring success. time to chalk up some points up the academic scale, social life, sporting excellence and everything i lay my hands on. folly has gotten me this far.. (short of my goals)
being idealistic only dragged me backwards into e vortex of suffering..
(heartache remains a heartache)
time to let go and seek my goals. today marks the formation of my chrysalis.
(independence day )

:) a slight taste of waltzing in euphoria

i wanna know

2005-01-04T04:23:00.000-08:00

possessed
obsessed

whateva she's doing, i want to know, big stuff, small matters there's nothing i don't wanna know. had me friend as honorary advisor, her advice resounded in my mind : she's not yr gf, u cannot expect anything! ?( i know of that harsh truth, i just can't help it ...ahahah)

bewildered
quizzical

i seriously don't know what i really adore about her? but i know it feels gd to be next to her, to hear her breathing, to get a whiff of her scent, to have any conversation from sunrise till sunset, to let time slip unknowingly in the bliss of time unnoticed. it feels like my praises never end. my fascination unceasingly increasing. :)

cynical
mishevelled

i want to believe so badly, i want to shout out loud, i want to ................................................................................................
i like u. can words feel up the infinite wants?

drifting in and out of nonchalance

2005-01-03T01:27:00.000-08:00

with less than 3 hrs of sleep under my belt, a yellow cab saw me through to school. first days, first times, first week of rush, first day of contemplation. first sister i eva had, first chicken rice i had this year, i scored a string of victories with my great number of firsts!

by 530, my palms wld have been blanched with sweat. Awaiting what's gonna happen next, anticipation that needles the worst of fears in me . i wonder if my overload wld be a success. success in school are not worthy of mentioning, but what is? results are what matters most. or so so many think. i think not. if life is measured by As n Bs, when would we see the end at Z. despite the brave stand, despite the prideful strides, despite the common glares.. remember that its still the platform to propel u to success..bummer~

a nite out in the movies, a hustle in the seats, do i laugh out just too loud or stares just fall on lonely ol' me.i know what i am. i know what i feel. i know happiness can be momentary. i know doom glooms eventually. i wish for a different start. would it cause a different end. i guess joy is what i seek for now and so i shall... nothing to gain , all to lose, russian roulette with a gun all full. bang bang, a flicker in and a glimmer out, then it comes to end my journey of light. pens in sorrow, a line imbarbed, who dares venture into the valley of doubt. noble knights rejoice in the fear of love, cast away to battle a dragon named sin.

i am born like that

2005-01-01T02:50:00.000-08:00

does anyone believe me when i say that i am born pessimistic, that i am a true blue depression junkie and hardly anything cheers me up in my life? most people see me wearing a smile all day long, i wonder how long more before its worn off. a year has passed, vietnam n india after 2 mundane years in army is not just a refreshing breeze. it has been one typhoon of a ride... every single rotting cell in me received blasts of invigorating energy which sets the pace for facing up to the challenges this year.

things aren't starting on the right note, friends face calamities from time to time. triangle is a very complicated thing. someone gets hurt someone gets lucky nobody comes out unscathed.
nothing stays the same. the ghosts of unforgiveness shrieks, bad blood showers..

personally, i am still vexed. she can't tell what she feels abt me. that's driving me insanely towards a cliff with a nice creek for infinite vertigo. its just so difficult to maintain a nonchalant mood when i am ard her. may even appear as a slave to her. at her beck n call. its fine if things are done in a old fashion manner. let there be confirmation. who am i kiddin? MYSELF!

breakfast was great, her companionship was great, am i just seeking cheap thrills? such are the things that affix a smile on me face. easy to please? i beg to differ.. its walking towards a knife with the end so sinewly sharp, not a single drop of blood smear when u push on. its called voluntary suicide. and its what i do.. ouch!

morning after

2004-12-30T17:55:00.000-08:00

u start a day thinkin its gonna be perfect, yr plans are laid right before yr eyes, yr frens have cast away verything to just to be with u to spend the last day of the ol' yr with u. i assume ppl always wonder what they are gonna do on 31st of dec of every single yr rther than setting the goals for the upcoming yr.

a friend left for taiwan on a six month stint. the collective expression on everyone's face revealed our deep concerns for her in a foreign land. true enogh that we are all adults but we all know how she handles her financial matters and deal with personal issues. in short, nobody thinks she is ready to face the challenges awaiting for her over there. personally. i think such ppl need to venture out even more to catch up with the herd that has moved on way before her. if being streetsmart was a medal of cirtue most of us garner, its time for her to fetch her own. It may seem cruel to release a lamb into the lion's den but if she walks out albeit with scars n all.. she 'd be one lamb u won;t wana mess ard with.. i think she will come back to be a more confident individual! good luck , my friend!

i so into phone calls coz it bugs me the most. when i am put on hold, does it happen to everyone to wonder who might the other person be? does this nagging desire to know infiltrate all fibres of logic.. hmmm (qn)" so who's tt? " (reply)"why should i tell u" ~~~ just u wait~~~

the vengeful side of me wants to play tit for tat. let's see what happens when i withold information form her the next time, will she develop an inquisitive rash just like it has infected me. i wonder why i am that nosy, why is it i absolutely have to know.. is that possessiveness when we are not even a couple. even after the chain of events that has unveiled over the past few weeks,, do events occur to set a permanent change in the course of future.. or is it just a mirage and i am the mist one walks on towards the psychedelic castle of dreams.

three weeks ... sufficient time for a significant change to occur, may it be life changing, world spinning, vapid dreaming or just swirling in cream n chocolate. do the stars burn to remind us of the eventuality of all relationships.. bright n unique, a guidepost in our lives. some last a bit longer, some just die. diminishing glow, frantic search for combustion... only to discover its all gonna end n leave a dull formless black space tt stays empty for eternity

free from the jaws of death

2004-12-28T18:14:00.000-08:00

i just spent 21 days in india, short time for some , eternity for most.. ignoring all cultural boundaries n social norms, mean ol' me mellowed down n reaffirmed my status as an unlikable person... community leaving has it perks but i am pretty spurned n bitter by the multitude of aspects which i'll selectively mention a few in this entry.

food was neva a problem for the roving gourmet but it did leave me with a cough i can't get rid off even up till today ( hmmm makes me think of "a man's meat is poison to another") . if u think about how virus n diseases are spread in general.. you will get a vague picture of what i am driving at.. airborne, water borne.. how it festers in one leaves me speechless most of the time.. literally speechless.. (PAPADS / papadums are like the vanguards of sore n itchy throats tt hampers the natural progression of a healthy n cough free atmosphere.) i was foolish enough to think i will not be affected.. was i blinded by something else?

environment was set on a backdrop of lush greenery and wide spans of farming ponds ( fish seems to be Z choice there :) ironically , dinner times favoured servings of "elping" chickens (the chickens literally called for help! hearing is believing) and eggs with lotsa veggies n fruits ( they have these grape like thing called the black ruby whereby the flesh is obtained by squeezing it out of its skin.I and lierong actually pitted against one another in a seed spitting bout with me emerging as the victor. she has been a nagging issue in my mind for i once treated as a bosom buddy, i had these wonderful idealistic notions that friends wld neva "break up". we did :(. this triggered off homo tendencies in me as a chain of events that happened concurrently sorta screwed my mind on female ties.. they are knotty, complicated n best of all frustrating but that's all cleared up by now .

i remember cookin on the second and fourteen night which all turned out pretty fine. if you thought burnt rice n charcoal grills are the kind of delicacies we are whippin out from our lil' kitchen. u are wrong, perhaps i will cook for u and then u can formulate yr own judgment...in yr dreams!! u go wish on a shooting star, hope it crashes on u..

i did witnessed two shooting stars thru out the whole trip and it all happened at the house. now i wld like to draw yr attention to our residence. its like a old colonial bungalow that looks big from outside but the interior wld be a challenge for us to mingle in for 15 days. the porch or frontyard faces the river directly which sets a direct viewing platform to magnificent sunrises day after day.

feeling refreshed?

2004-12-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

the dreams i had were awaken by cries.. cries tt shook my senses like a earthquake rumbling from my very soul..were they pleas for help or were they an act of desperation - more importantly, its disturbing, dark and infused with confusion coz if religiosity was of any good in the first place.. it should place one's mind at rest instead of destablising it, rest assured i am not not anti religion but how devotion in its myriad forms - overwheming, over fanatic, over zealous seems to create the foundation of insanity freaks me out - we all know , buildings with frail foundations tumble in a matter of time no matter how fancy the exterior is, no matter how sophisticated the inhabitants are, no matter how conducive the environment is, one good blow n u're gone~ period!

life challenges us in a gazillion angles, how u tackle them, how u make yr own calls, how u decide what's best, how u decide its opportunity cost, who to please, who to hurt, curiously, how u please the one who hurts u- are we really that dumb?

haha, i laugh at people's miseries, i snicker at the thought of self sacrificing noble acts, i sneer at "nice" people. i denounce kindness. but but but, there's always a but n it makes a butt out of me, i don't like that but i can't help it. There's something, something vague, gray,formless, a halo of circling smoke.. it slowly grips me from within, coiling, slithers.. contort my my very essence.. makes me nice to a "mean" person.. mean here doesn't neccessarily the person is a complete ass / slut. it means thatperson is not nice to me.. yes, all u out there who fall in that category are "mean" asses.. its my preception anyway :)

i behave entirely different, i c myself in the mirror n i dun even recognise myself, i see a guy with hair so neatly combed, manners so immaculate , teeth so straight, aiya.. lemme cut the crap, i see a nerd of a mean person~ gasp gasp horror horror.. so what's wrong with me?

i fell for someone who has yet to trip n fall for me, i think i stand a chance and all she did was stood up on me :) i question my charm~ charmless compared to her hamsters :( when u cannot control yr own emotions, when u lose control of what goes on in yr head, don't u think i have just displayed the crucial symptoms one experince in drug abuse? the thing is, i have allergies n its not even to drugs.. its a reaction against myself when i know that no matter what i do, nothin gets acomplised.. its hopeless.. so nice to dwell in a black hole. u dun even know when to start or end.. yay! should i just tell her to screw herself or should i continue to be the idiot- be nice to someone who deosn't reciprocate or even bother the least bit.

stay tune to find out more
in the next episode of ARE U DUMB?

contemplating

2004-12-01T08:45:00.000-08:00

y does a phone call matters so much to me.. y does conversation contains so many hidden codes.. y does the heart falters to the tempting thoughts..y does the heart aches before anything is said..
i guess it takes a certain amount of information for one to process how certain his chances are, after repeated phonecalls, fruitless dates n endless guessing. how much can i digress from her?

so how much ass can a guy handle?

2004-11-27T11:50:00.000-08:00

ok, there was no popcorn flyin nor sparks sizzlin'. but hey, i am not asking for more. am i? it was a day i classify as surreality, i met someone who reminded me of my ex and i froze.. i stopped where i am.. seconds ticklin away.. i swear i felt a drop of sweat..cold, spine chillin, extremely unnerving sweat inching its way out of my pores. they had a life on their own, i took out a piece of tissue and started wiping profusely in a bid to match the rate of perspiration. and the onlookers were puzzled, i...... had not 1* drop of perspiration :) bummer, i heard a hi.. i managed to croak a hi back... it was her sister. hmmm, does a person's past affect how people judge from him then on?

sparks tt doesn't last

2004-11-25T19:19:00.000-08:00

how often do we fool ourselves into believing that romance, even a chance of a hit at romance is actually feasible, unlike the occasional hit n run accidents on the streets, u can neva scot free from the ghost of a possible, nearly maybe, romance. it haunts when u sleep, when u wake up and even when u dream. surely, this surpasses human logic and thought process. typing on my laptop empowers me with the voice that sarah jessica parker found in the famed series of sex and the city. at least she had a go at failed romances, i jolly well can't even start one. haha, though she's comin over and all, her extremely cool demeanour just seems to give me the cold shoulders which just seems to stiffen even further everytime i meet her. here's food for thought, if u are not interested , why even bother to make the effort to meet? somehow its difficult for a guy to phantom a girl's intention , her rationale in doing certain things.. am i gaining sympathy votes or cld i go on n fool myselfthere's slight tinge of u know what in the air... i hate to guess, i hate when i can' predict, i hate when i feel so much for someone onl to be treated like a friend. yes, izzit possible for friends to just stay as friends if a certain degree of feelings have been invested? izzit izzit izzit... the most wonderful things happen when she's around and the eepest darkest thoughts surface when she's away.. how i wish i cld just sing in the words of robbie williams... she's the one

town tales

2004-11-23T22:08:00.000-08:00

if this is a virgin posting, should i toast to an era of nonsensical and irrelevant scribblings..should i save the last dance for yours truly, should i dwell on issues mere mortals could stigmatize their entire lives upon, what should i do.. opportunities aplenty, inspiration lacking, or perhaps i wld start on playful banter on the topic of depression.

if i said being depressed makes me happy, how many hands wld ppl raise their hands in unison, exactly how many are truly happy shining smiling ppl? or rather how many lives can be salvaged in a lifetime? how many secrets can we keep before it consumes us from within? do we lead lives we want or how others expect us to? if i strike acoss as an agnostic , think again, even deeply rooted religious konks think abt such things.. and where do they derive their source of strength? GODgodGoDgood ol lordGOD... now i am gettin a headache..haha incrimination of faith does have its desserts... shall stop for now n see how it turns out to be.. izzit as true as it seems to be.. the bitch forum? let's all wait n see