why does it have to end this way
perhaps the decision would have been made eons ago, the basic elements of human survival thrives on neccessity. Our dreams maketh the face of a clockwork milking time from the cogwheels-teeth that insidiously eschew minerals of life, no money, no honey.
why is it so that people tend to gravitate towards materialism? its efficacy lies in the desire to pursue a better life or maintain the statue quo. being in comfort. how much does it take to settle in our comfort zone? would it change ? does it eva change? how would it change us? questions that manifests more questions like a inquisitive child stumbling on his first book of did-u- knows?
standard of living was a concept that i learnt when i was in JC doing economics. it explores the different facets that determine what makes it all worthwhile. things that makes dollar n 'sense' may not be sufficient to be the panacea, the pill of joy, that liquidates our world's woes or provide a clear depiction of things in modern society. Nevertheless, a stepping stone in trying to tackle the issues stated above.
why does it has to end this way
dear ms misdemeanor,
we all know that a degree seems like the long windy road that all academically inclined square heads pursue in hope of justifying a possibly successful career and life in the future. we all know that this is the fastest route to put our parents' mind at ease by taking the right path. we also know that they have our best interests at heart and in lieu of prevailing circumstances, this could very well be the best option they can offer us for now. To provide us the comfort of being free from nagging issues that bother their otherwise mundane life from being problems of ours.
thank you thank you thank you.
i shall dispense with the formalities and put forth my predilection for the coward's way out- WHINE. more often that not, i feel that i am engaging in topics which i could never make much sense or generate interest towards. dry and deprived of taste, originality and variation. constrained to parameters designated by forefathers of science and resolved mystery. ENgiNeEring- as interesting as i can type the fonts. Without rules, we definitely would not have progressed so far as where we are today , even the country says so, "LOok at out economy being boosted by semi-con, biomed,R&D industries..kept buoyant.. stays afloat despite the stormy climate that has devastated our sand logged neighbours during the economic crisis. rejoice in technological marvel and advancement!" Sad to say, manufacturing still remains as the grande dame of our economic growth( largest number of jobs held by a single industry). This means its very difficult to put engineers in the red. Even if u do not stick yr hands in dirt and soot, other departments welcome u for yr expertise in yr specialised field (its hard for an engineer to be hungry- job though not aplenty, sufficient to thicken the engineer waistline)
but i so HATE the things i am studying especially when i had the chance to tinker the musical keys of Arts and Social Science, how i breathe and swim the currents of everchanging seismic shifts in ideology, language and creativity. there are really no limits how far yr mind can wander. a trip to the stars from the books that twist , unlock and rip you free from the mental fence of logic. how i wish i could hide in the books i read, revel in the things that i won't mind spending hours and hours on( really dread peering from formula to formula, fact to fact, debugging to problem solving-important to the world , perfect for the needed geeks)
time to get back to work, a three day mayhem awaits me, how i shall plaster a grin at the end of each exam, kowing that i won't be able to recall or use the things i studied almost as soon as i lift my ass off the chair and participate in the great flurry, once again, once again...
convicted of disatisfaction( and i am so sure that i am not the only one)
vindicated( its not that i dun want to put in effort, effort eludes me)
repentence( i would i would, someday, shock me , electrocute me and i would)
back and grey( white is prefect, spotless and clean)
change of perspective ( hope not calamity strikes before i sober up and strive, my fingers crossed, clutching my fingers, chewing them off like tablets of prozac comfort)
new skins
its has been brought to my attention that my blog is plain, ugly and extremely boring like the frisky static u see on a TV screen( besides the choice of dull hues and tones). i applaud my friends who invest a great deal of time and effort in beautifying their e-diaries. it almost seem like a movie set, rolling scrolls at the bottom in infinite loops(subtitles), songs that jar out once the page load( fit for a soundtrack) and the entries set against a backdrop of animation, soothing visuals and captivating icons (actions!lights!cameras!).
exams are troublesome issues to tackle. it takes forever to prepare, but mere moments to endure. it almost seems that u did nothing before thereafter. its a matter of how well u can vomit rather than apply what u learn. our brains become mini- thumbdrives which store crucial info from any random source before offloading it( regurgitate and puke) on our exam scripts which questions me on the authenticity of exams. memory test? what's the point if u cannot remember nor recall the slightest bit of info in years to come. it seems that their practicality cease to exist in the modern world save for the fact that u might want to be a hard drive(p.h.d getter- a massive storage of incredibly useless or could be useful do-u-knows in single mind)
for peasants such as myself, i am contented to know what makes human tick-not that i know now or eva will.
for now, dreadful injection of info awaits me so i shall deaden my spirit and numb my senses. time to pick up the books again. :)
its been so long
what makes words flow?
what does it matter to anyone in the first place?
is it true that exam stress actually stems the creative flux in us? if one end is choked blocked, teeming with fastidious agents of information desperately reaching out of yr mind's grasp. (see what loonies we become after mugging ??) and because u desperately want to do well, u tell these hobbits bumming along to stop their movement : resistance is futile!
now for daily news, i seldom feel infuriated, i seldom dwell further than dismissing scanty remarks at will. someone managed to top them all, hail Ms Chan a.k.a bitch com tutor slash incompetent. there's a module all poor sods in yr 1 engineering has to take ; brush up their interpersonal skills, impress or at least try to do so during presentations- aptly titled effective communication. here's a pointer on fist clenching, when u make a fist , u can't hold anything in yr hands, when u open yr palm, the world is in yr hands. (fighter in the wind-lifestory of the founder of some hardcore karate clan) when u clench, u are devoid of life, merciless in pursuit to the peak. at all cost, at all cost.
Usually, warmin my ass on any random chair scattered in the nondescript classrooms is a routine despite my vehemence in being anything part of a constructive classroom environment. i am a radical, so i assume myself to be, non-conformist, bent on demolishing conventional ideals and provoking social stigmas.
nevertheless, the following piece of disclosure instigates my intention to tuck my fingers, binding it to flesh and skin, forming a mallet of pure destruction. "do u expect me to believe that u wrote all this??" i felt this sudden silent urge to explode into a million piercing shards. maiming her, a derelict life dependent on other lives thereafter. free will snatched. self imposed lurch on a payroll of debilitating debts.( oh she probably deserves better..... u think so?)
This tutor had the cheek to make me sit thru hrs of boring lifeless banter derived from slides we cld have read on our own. seriously, what the hell are u trying to prove? that readin from the slides, making minimal eye contact with yr audience is the way of winning presentations and it oozes the icing that cheese the deals we procure in future?? i mean its bloody nonsense we get judged by some old time -been there-done nothing-old fag whom only influence in life is to mark scripts and works that are way beyond her comprehension (sec sch wld have been yr field) she made the above mentioned remark on my TV review. makes me wanna puke- i would like to see her write- haven seen her do so- insignificant speck of cosmic glitter.
actually i lost all inspiration to write of late. one reason- i am at peace with myself. more so than eva or its just tt i chose one dominating reason over all nagging doubts from proliferating their pessism, tinkering the twigs of my sanity and making me wallow in sobs of misery.
i chosen life.
its beautiful.
life that creates life.
its possibilities that keep us going
fear that stops us in our tracks.
to hell with fear
heaven in here, my heart, my heart.
its finally clear.
