morning after
u start a day thinkin its gonna be perfect, yr plans are laid right before yr eyes, yr frens have cast away verything to just to be with u to spend the last day of the ol' yr with u. i assume ppl always wonder what they are gonna do on 31st of dec of every single yr rther than setting the goals for the upcoming yr.
a friend left for taiwan on a six month stint. the collective expression on everyone's face revealed our deep concerns for her in a foreign land. true enogh that we are all adults but we all know how she handles her financial matters and deal with personal issues. in short, nobody thinks she is ready to face the challenges awaiting for her over there. personally. i think such ppl need to venture out even more to catch up with the herd that has moved on way before her. if being streetsmart was a medal of cirtue most of us garner, its time for her to fetch her own. It may seem cruel to release a lamb into the lion's den but if she walks out albeit with scars n all.. she 'd be one lamb u won;t wana mess ard with.. i think she will come back to be a more confident individual! good luck , my friend!
i so into phone calls coz it bugs me the most. when i am put on hold, does it happen to everyone to wonder who might the other person be? does this nagging desire to know infiltrate all fibres of logic.. hmmm (qn)" so who's tt? " (reply)"why should i tell u" ~~~ just u wait~~~
the vengeful side of me wants to play tit for tat. let's see what happens when i withold information form her the next time, will she develop an inquisitive rash just like it has infected me. i wonder why i am that nosy, why is it i absolutely have to know.. is that possessiveness when we are not even a couple. even after the chain of events that has unveiled over the past few weeks,, do events occur to set a permanent change in the course of future.. or is it just a mirage and i am the mist one walks on towards the psychedelic castle of dreams.
three weeks ... sufficient time for a significant change to occur, may it be life changing, world spinning, vapid dreaming or just swirling in cream n chocolate. do the stars burn to remind us of the eventuality of all relationships.. bright n unique, a guidepost in our lives. some last a bit longer, some just die. diminishing glow, frantic search for combustion... only to discover its all gonna end n leave a dull formless black space tt stays empty for eternity
free from the jaws of death
i just spent 21 days in india, short time for some , eternity for most.. ignoring all cultural boundaries n social norms, mean ol' me mellowed down n reaffirmed my status as an unlikable person... community leaving has it perks but i am pretty spurned n bitter by the multitude of aspects which i'll selectively mention a few in this entry.
food was neva a problem for the roving gourmet but it did leave me with a cough i can't get rid off even up till today ( hmmm makes me think of "a man's meat is poison to another") . if u think about how virus n diseases are spread in general.. you will get a vague picture of what i am driving at.. airborne, water borne.. how it festers in one leaves me speechless most of the time.. literally speechless.. (PAPADS / papadums are like the vanguards of sore n itchy throats tt hampers the natural progression of a healthy n cough free atmosphere.) i was foolish enough to think i will not be affected.. was i blinded by something else?
environment was set on a backdrop of lush greenery and wide spans of farming ponds ( fish seems to be Z choice there :) ironically , dinner times favoured servings of "elping" chickens (the chickens literally called for help! hearing is believing) and eggs with lotsa veggies n fruits ( they have these grape like thing called the black ruby whereby the flesh is obtained by squeezing it out of its skin.I and lierong actually pitted against one another in a seed spitting bout with me emerging as the victor. she has been a nagging issue in my mind for i once treated as a bosom buddy, i had these wonderful idealistic notions that friends wld neva "break up". we did :(. this triggered off homo tendencies in me as a chain of events that happened concurrently sorta screwed my mind on female ties.. they are knotty, complicated n best of all frustrating but that's all cleared up by now .
i remember cookin on the second and fourteen night which all turned out pretty fine. if you thought burnt rice n charcoal grills are the kind of delicacies we are whippin out from our lil' kitchen. u are wrong, perhaps i will cook for u and then u can formulate yr own judgment...in yr dreams!! u go wish on a shooting star, hope it crashes on u..
i did witnessed two shooting stars thru out the whole trip and it all happened at the house. now i wld like to draw yr attention to our residence. its like a old colonial bungalow that looks big from outside but the interior wld be a challenge for us to mingle in for 15 days. the porch or frontyard faces the river directly which sets a direct viewing platform to magnificent sunrises day after day.
feeling refreshed?
the dreams i had were awaken by cries.. cries tt shook my senses like a earthquake rumbling from my very soul..were they pleas for help or were they an act of desperation - more importantly, its disturbing, dark and infused with confusion coz if religiosity was of any good in the first place.. it should place one's mind at rest instead of destablising it, rest assured i am not not anti religion but how devotion in its myriad forms - overwheming, over fanatic, over zealous seems to create the foundation of insanity freaks me out - we all know , buildings with frail foundations tumble in a matter of time no matter how fancy the exterior is, no matter how sophisticated the inhabitants are, no matter how conducive the environment is, one good blow n u're gone~ period!
life challenges us in a gazillion angles, how u tackle them, how u make yr own calls, how u decide what's best, how u decide its opportunity cost, who to please, who to hurt, curiously, how u please the one who hurts u- are we really that dumb?
haha, i laugh at people's miseries, i snicker at the thought of self sacrificing noble acts, i sneer at "nice" people. i denounce kindness. but but but, there's always a but n it makes a butt out of me, i don't like that but i can't help it. There's something, something vague, gray,formless, a halo of circling smoke.. it slowly grips me from within, coiling, slithers.. contort my my very essence.. makes me nice to a "mean" person.. mean here doesn't neccessarily the person is a complete ass / slut. it means thatperson is not nice to me.. yes, all u out there who fall in that category are "mean" asses.. its my preception anyway :)
i behave entirely different, i c myself in the mirror n i dun even recognise myself, i see a guy with hair so neatly combed, manners so immaculate , teeth so straight, aiya.. lemme cut the crap, i see a nerd of a mean person~ gasp gasp horror horror.. so what's wrong with me?
i fell for someone who has yet to trip n fall for me, i think i stand a chance and all she did was stood up on me :) i question my charm~ charmless compared to her hamsters :( when u cannot control yr own emotions, when u lose control of what goes on in yr head, don't u think i have just displayed the crucial symptoms one experince in drug abuse? the thing is, i have allergies n its not even to drugs.. its a reaction against myself when i know that no matter what i do, nothin gets acomplised.. its hopeless.. so nice to dwell in a black hole. u dun even know when to start or end.. yay! should i just tell her to screw herself or should i continue to be the idiot- be nice to someone who deosn't reciprocate or even bother the least bit.
stay tune to find out more
in the next episode of ARE U DUMB?
contemplating
y does a phone call matters so much to me.. y does conversation contains so many hidden codes.. y does the heart falters to the tempting thoughts..y does the heart aches before anything is said..
i guess it takes a certain amount of information for one to process how certain his chances are, after repeated phonecalls, fruitless dates n endless guessing. how much can i digress from her?
