time to settle down
classes are set, new faces found, timetables seemingly a mess, friends to count on.
laughter bash e fears unnoticed,jokes aside, reality one big fat question mark.
one bottle down, dreams flushed out,meetings adjourned, brand new doubt.
prayers aloud,drowning droughts, fleecing hope,feeding bouts.
face off, bummer. i need not more drowsy promises. bring me back to where i come from.
i say : " yes u may, return what u found, return what frightens you, return the dull mirror where u see yr all too pretty self"
look at u, look at myself. have i seen u somewhere before? i really don't know, really don't know what i use to know anymore.
fly e fastest planes n make e biggest movies!
watched a movie that gave me the inspiration to blog.
big things.big goals.big ambitions.
how many can actually reconcile such big factors with the delicate framework of relationships.
how many can be successful in both love n career.
how many can be flawless in their judgement and continue to believe in their dreams no matter how staggering the cost is.
hmmm.. will stop bloggin for a while. timeto think things thru yet again :)
late again
punctuality is a virtue but i don't practice. scribbling down the importance of it draw chills down my spine. i mean i try albeit it lacks fountains of attitude. i do try. what's most interesting is that i met someone with the exactly same problem as me. indirectly, when 2 person have the same problem .. do they even meet at all? hardly, coz the typical situation always lie in the fact that one will be late n the other will be early. the one who's early gets pissed at the one who's late and the finger pointing goes on forever depending who is the one with more superstar apperances than the other. its a problem so frustrating even pulling yr hair out won't solve a thing.tolerance has its limits. when will i hit mine. unlikely! unless i choose to be the early bird which is something i practiced in the past until i hapen to accumulate enough latecoming frens to convince me that the former suggestion is not applicable in the face of looming angst. be late, flash a smile n hope u get away everytime, it starts with a compliment on the outfit, a " i can't believe u lost so much weight" "its only been a while since i last saw u n u are lookin so fine" "what's that ? a new crop to dazzle n frazzle the dates out there?" humans are weak creatures who fall prey to such meaningless comments. the sense of insecurity forces us to take it all in. word by word, lies for truth. be strong n ppl say u are skeptical. cynicism being the new cause of cancer and all.. to all those pretentious ppl out there, u are doin a good job in making others happy but when it backfires ( u meet a bloke like me... u can start counting the days u have left.. ;)
hmmm
enough rampant bitchin for the day.hurray.. feel betta now..actually.. eva considered the feelings of ppl who are always early
a. suckers
b.be like them( a bigger sucker?)
c.be a hermit( neva meet anyone since everything can be home delivered to yr doorstep)
d.be yrself( the average human tends to be late once in a while depending on how impt their dates are to them.. haha .. time to reflect upo oneself)
ain't no sunshine
enough of emotional blabber, i'm sick of it myself, makes me wanna puke. can't believe i wrote so much about something so pointless and meaningless. Like a butterfly shedding its cocoon, determined to leave the past as it is, a distant memory awashed on the shores of wilful regret.
today, after a very good slumber session with me n me alone.. u only have yrself to depend on mostly.. learn.. n grow up the hard way.. yes, there's no one out there! wakey wakey rise n shine~ we always choose to learn things the hard way, pure stupidity steering our skewed judgment in hope of glorious happy moments to flood our vapid lives... suddenly i feel this surge of anger spiralling sporadically round n round me.. wonder what's the source of it all~~helplessness :(
i shall close the chapter as it is. done.
i hope bouldermania would be a success. in life, we are measured by our successess, since my love life is a failure, hopefully, other aspects in my life would be a roaring success. time to chalk up some points up the academic scale, social life, sporting excellence and everything i lay my hands on. folly has gotten me this far.. (short of my goals)
being idealistic only dragged me backwards into e vortex of suffering..
(heartache remains a heartache)
time to let go and seek my goals. today marks the formation of my chrysalis.
(independence day )
:) a slight taste of waltzing in euphoria
i wanna know
possessed
obsessed
whateva she's doing, i want to know, big stuff, small matters there's nothing i don't wanna know. had me friend as honorary advisor, her advice resounded in my mind : she's not yr gf, u cannot expect anything! ?( i know of that harsh truth, i just can't help it ...ahahah)
bewildered
quizzical
i seriously don't know what i really adore about her? but i know it feels gd to be next to her, to hear her breathing, to get a whiff of her scent, to have any conversation from sunrise till sunset, to let time slip unknowingly in the bliss of time unnoticed. it feels like my praises never end. my fascination unceasingly increasing. :)
cynical
mishevelled
i want to believe so badly, i want to shout out loud, i want to ................................................................................................
i like u. can words feel up the infinite wants?
drifting in and out of nonchalance
with less than 3 hrs of sleep under my belt, a yellow cab saw me through to school. first days, first times, first week of rush, first day of contemplation. first sister i eva had, first chicken rice i had this year, i scored a string of victories with my great number of firsts!
by 530, my palms wld have been blanched with sweat. Awaiting what's gonna happen next, anticipation that needles the worst of fears in me . i wonder if my overload wld be a success. success in school are not worthy of mentioning, but what is? results are what matters most. or so so many think. i think not. if life is measured by As n Bs, when would we see the end at Z. despite the brave stand, despite the prideful strides, despite the common glares.. remember that its still the platform to propel u to success..bummer~
a nite out in the movies, a hustle in the seats, do i laugh out just too loud or stares just fall on lonely ol' me.i know what i am. i know what i feel. i know happiness can be momentary. i know doom glooms eventually. i wish for a different start. would it cause a different end. i guess joy is what i seek for now and so i shall... nothing to gain , all to lose, russian roulette with a gun all full. bang bang, a flicker in and a glimmer out, then it comes to end my journey of light. pens in sorrow, a line imbarbed, who dares venture into the valley of doubt. noble knights rejoice in the fear of love, cast away to battle a dragon named sin.
i am born like that
does anyone believe me when i say that i am born pessimistic, that i am a true blue depression junkie and hardly anything cheers me up in my life? most people see me wearing a smile all day long, i wonder how long more before its worn off. a year has passed, vietnam n india after 2 mundane years in army is not just a refreshing breeze. it has been one typhoon of a ride... every single rotting cell in me received blasts of invigorating energy which sets the pace for facing up to the challenges this year.
things aren't starting on the right note, friends face calamities from time to time. triangle is a very complicated thing. someone gets hurt someone gets lucky nobody comes out unscathed.
nothing stays the same. the ghosts of unforgiveness shrieks, bad blood showers..
personally, i am still vexed. she can't tell what she feels abt me. that's driving me insanely towards a cliff with a nice creek for infinite vertigo. its just so difficult to maintain a nonchalant mood when i am ard her. may even appear as a slave to her. at her beck n call. its fine if things are done in a old fashion manner. let there be confirmation. who am i kiddin? MYSELF!
breakfast was great, her companionship was great, am i just seeking cheap thrills? such are the things that affix a smile on me face. easy to please? i beg to differ.. its walking towards a knife with the end so sinewly sharp, not a single drop of blood smear when u push on. its called voluntary suicide. and its what i do.. ouch!
